Kitchen Kink
by Paul Holman-Kursky
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/poznyakov
Welcome to our hotel. To enhance your stay, we are pleased to provide you with the following adult programming. To order, simply click OK and the credit card on file will be charged automatically.
Hot Meat 19
Fire up your grills because these honkin’ steaks can’t stay cold for long! Things will really sizzle when these babies start releasing their juices.
Asian Fusion
Why settle for one taste of the East when you can have five? Blend the exotic flavors of the Orient on your tongue. Prepare for fiery heat and a touch of star anise, too.
Sausagefest
Find out how many of these thick wieners we can fit in our faces at once. Forget your average supermarket freezer pack — our chefs are on a mission to find the perfect hot dog. They’ve blended Kobe beef and pork belly with a hint of lamb to get a texture that will melt in your mouth while filling your belly.
Foaming with Goodness
Non-stop molecular gastronomy action. Daria super-chills hummus to create an architectural masterpiece. Zane perfects his tiny hamburger hologram. Lupita turns sour cherries into air that tastes faintly like sour cherries.
Farm to Table Free-for-All
Spring arrives and with it the first lamb slaughter. The farm kitchen celebrates with lamb chops, roasted shank, and offal.
Extra Help Making it Rise
The team at Glutinous Maximus accepts a challenge for the ages: create a crumb cake with buckwheat flour. With only 24 hours to bake, prep and test before the big Celiac Awareness Annual Banquet, can they pull off the impossible?
Getting Nasty in the Back of the Truck
Chronicling the adventures of the Wheels on Air team, who serve up Cincinnati’s lightest soufflé at street food parks around the city. When trouble strikes in the form of a “mouseguest,” will the gang be able to keep its empire from collapsing?
Who’s the Child Now?
Veteran chef Julia Child dispenses tough love and tougher solutions to restaurateurs around the country who can’t get their shit together. This week, Julia takes matters — and a santoku blade — into her own hands when a petulant owner mouths off. The restaurant’s signature Deconstructed Kale Salad dish survives…but does he?
Silent but Delicious
9 mime chefs face elimination each week as they battle for the title of America’s Quietest Chef.
Some Of My Best Friends Are Chefs
David Duke explores his favorite soul food joints, along with some hidden Deep South gems, in this travelogue-cum-restaurant review series.
College What the Fuckfest 6
The latest installment of the voyeuristic favorite. We replace all the ramen in the frat house with tripe, and watch the fireworks via hidden camera.
Fish, Fish, Fish
What kind of fish do you like? Watch us cook that.
*All selections $15.99. Charges will appear on your billing statement as Pornographic Videos.
***
Paul Holman-Kursky is an improvisor, actor and comedy writer in San Francisco. He is a ensemble member of Un-Scripted Theater Company and co-creator, co-director and performer in DASH, Un-Scripted’s freeform improv comedy show.