Written by Rachel Klein
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/konradbak

Yeah, I’d like to put in an order for delivery. Well, it’s 1564 Grove St., but we’re on the roof. Yeah, stake out—how’d you know? Oh, haha, yes, we did call last week. That’s so funny that you remember that. Well, we love your wings. Okay, so…we’re gonna get one family size order of boneless. I’m sorry one second—Yes, you did say boneless. No, there’s no problem. My partner’s being crazy. So an order of boneless—What? No, I’m not doing half boneless, half regular—then I’ll have to, like, check each wing before I bite into it. No, yeah, I’m still here. No, it’s fine. Yeah, I know you could do a divider—it’s fine. Boneless wings are better anyway. Yes, I know they’re basically chicken fingers, Harris. Let me ask you a question—where the fuck are we gonna put like 50 chicken wing bones while we’re on stake out? Exactly. Okay, so a family size order of boneless chipotle wings…Yes, chipotle’s the one we got last time. No, it wasn’t Cajun. Harris, I’m looking at the menu right now on my goddamn phone. I remember what we got. It was half chipotle, half Caribbean jerk and we didn’t like the Caribbean jerk—No, I don’t have to call you back. I’m sorry. It’s one family size order of boneless chipotle wings. Wait, did you say chipotle mayo? No, we got it where it was, like, on the wings like a barbeque sauce. Oh these are like fried with a mayo on the side. No, that’s not what we got. Oh, okay well then what the fuck did we get last time then, Harris? No, it was decidedly not Cajun. Well I told you to put the order in a note in your phone. No, I don’t have the fucking receipt, do I look like your mom or something—Do you guys email receipts? Maybe you emailed it to me? No they don’t email receipts, Harris. Okay, so you look at the list of flavors and tell me which ones we got. No I know we got half Caribbean jerk. That’s fucking definite. What? No sorry I can’t hold because I need to finish this up quick in case the station calls in. Yeah, like real cops. Haha right like CSI. I’m the pretty, smart one and Harris is the loose cannon. Haha right but without the sexual tension. Oh Harris didn’t think that was funny. Okay so look my partner Harris is looking at the menu now and he says it was either mesquite or Cajun—if we didn’t like Caribbean jerk, which of those other two do you think we would have liked? What? Okay so take a picture. No, not you. Harris just told me he spotted our target down on the street. Okay so half chipotle—yeah yeah the mayo, yeah we’re gonna try it—and half—what would you say? Okay mesquite—see that’s what I thought because I was sure it wasn’t Caribbean jerk and Cajun didn’t sound right either. Yeah I bet people confuse them all the time because of the “c”. What? Oh, shit. No, the order’s fine. It’s just that Harris thinks the target might have spotted us. Yeah well he’s like sort of looking up at the building suspiciously. Hahaha yeah no I don’t think he’d want an extra order of wings. But maybe. Oh man, that would be hilarious, right? Send him an order of wings. Like, “It’s been paid for” and then the delivery guy gestures up to this roof. I’m tempted to do it, like if he knows we’re here anyway, but it’s not worth the $8.99 just for the gag. Oh it’s half price for the second dinner order? Harris, it’s half price for—what? Oh shit. No, it’s just—our target’s on the run so we have to like, call in back up and give chase and everything. Well, I’m not sure it’s worth it because I don’t know where to tell you to deliver it to, you know? Ugh, I’m sorry. I feel like I just totally wasted your time. Haha yeah I’m sure it does get boring over there. Here too, usually. I mean it’s mostly just a lot of waiting until moments like this and then it’s like, crazy stressful. Well maybe I could just order it to the station or—Okay well you also have a phone, Harris! No, you call it in! I’m ordering us food! Okay well I was ready to make this like a thirty second call and then it became a whole thing because you have some vendetta against boneless wings and you don’t know the difference between Caribbean jerk and Cajun now we don’t have food and we’re gonna lose our guy and my brother just got engaged so now it’s like “Emma when are you gonna get married?” and I just don’t need that fucking pressure and my dog has this weird growth or something on his eye and the vet doesn’t know what it is and I just feel like the universe won’t cut me a goddamn break this week. What? No, no, I wasn’t fishing for pity or anything. Oh my God that’s so nice of you. Wait so it would be good for any family size order? With sides? Does it expire? Oh, that’s amazing. So it’ll just be under my cell number? And I just use it next time I call? Okay awesome. Yeah, I gotta go too. Exactly.  Yeah, I’m sure we will talk again. Yeah you too. Okay, cool. Bye.

Well, Harris, a bet’s a bet—I got us free wings, you got next shift. Any movement down there yet? Nothing? Cool. Wake me up in an hour.

Also…it was Cajun. Nice work, detective.

***

Rachel is a comedy writer and performer living in Boston, MA. Her writing has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, and Thought Catalog among others, and one of her pieces was recently included in The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency book. She is the artistic director of the production company Fine Line Comedy, and she writes about comedy and life on her blog, The House That Del Built. You can follow her on twitter at @racheleklein.