by Melissa H-K
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/vitmarkov
From: Terrence Wall, Esq.
To: Magdalena Louise Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mrs. Johnson:
Enclosed, please find ten (10) white cropped turtleneck sweaters, ten (10) pairs of white spandex compression shorts, and five (5) white headbands, as separated from my client’s personal possessions.
Sincerely,
Terrence Wall, Esq.
From: Abigail Swanne, Esq.
To: Walter Thyrus Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Enclosed, please find ten (10) white crew-neck shirts and ten (10) pairs of white spandex compression shorts, as separated from my client’s personal possessions.
Sincerely,
Abigail Swanne, Esq.
From: Terrence Wall, Esq.
To: Magdalena Louise Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mrs. Johnson:
Now that our first round of arbitration has ended and we are all more familiar with appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior in legal proceedings, I trust that the next round will be less eventful.
Before moving forward with the next round of arbitration, I hope to ensure that all parties’ time and resources will be well spent. Divorce is a weighty subject, and as such, strong feelings may arise on both sides.
However, in the interest of the aforementioned time and resources, I must request that in the future you refrain from referring to my client’s hair as causing his head to “look like a ferret wearing a condom as a hat.”
Thank you for your ongoing cooperation.
Sincerely,
Terrence Wall, Esq.
From: Abigail Swanne, Esq.
To: Walter Thyrus Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mr. Johnson:
As we continue to the next round of arbitration, I look forward to spending our mutual time in more productive conversation. To that end, I feel compelled to point out that insinuating that my client, your estranged and quite pregnant wife, is “faking that baby-swallowing s–t” is both insulting and medically inaccurate. Let us assume for the sake of science that she is in fact pregnant and move forward accordingly.
Thank you for your time and awareness.
Sincerely,
Abigail Swanne, Esq.
From: Terrence Wall, Esq.
To: Magdalena Louise Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mrs. Johnson:
As per your request, my client has agreed to return no fewer than six (6) matching red-flowered pillowcases and pillows to your possession, and to pay for the re-purchase of one red queen-sized bedspread. He wishes to formally apologize for his actions of six months ago, specifically: taking steps to, in his words, “do to the marital bed what you did to my heart, which is taking a big crap on it while you were sleeping.” Mr. Johnson recognizes the unsanitary conditions of taking such a statement literally, and will remember this in the future.
Sincerely,
Terrence Wall, Esq.
From: Abigail Swanne, Esq.
To: Walter Thyrus Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mr. Johnson:
My client wishes to issue her own formal apology for destroying your laptop computer screen in the process of attempting to prove that it was not in fact possible for a seven-months-pregnant belly to just “pop up overnight like a tummy pimple,” therefore negating your previous defense of not having noticed her pregnancy prior to this point, i.e. the reason Mrs. Johnson has filed for divorce and we are all here. In the future, she will assume best intentions on your part.
Please refrain from referring to my client as “Rapudgezel.” She is pregnant, Mr. Johnson, and she has long hair. Let us all be adults.
Sincerely,
Abigail Swanne, Esq.
From: Abigail Swanne, Esq.
To: Walter Thyrus Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mr. Johnson:
My client additionally states that she was incorrect in postulating that “Thyrus” is so spelled due to your mother’s mild lisp, and recognizes that it is most likely in actuality the name of a Norse god or perhaps demigod, as you have stated in the past.
Sincerely,
Abigail Swanne, Esq.
From: Terrence Wall, Esq.
To: Magdalena Louise Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mrs. Johnson:
Upon further reflection, my client wishes to inform you that he now realizes that the name “Rapudgezel” was terribly insulting and bordering on misogynistic. He similarly regrets the names “Lady Foodiva,” and “Venus in a Taco Shell.”
Pregnancy is a blessing and a thing of beauty.
Sincerely,
Terrence Wall, Esq.
From: Abigail Swanne, Esq.
To: Walter Thyrus Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mr. Johnson:
My client appreciates your previous message, and wishes to inform you that she did not, as she had previously stated, destroy your life-sized Def Leppard figurines, nor did she set on fire your autographed Ted Nugent album collection. Your items are safely stored in your friend Spanky’s auto repair shop, behind the brown refrigerator in the back.
She congratulates you on your attractive new beard.
Sincerely,
Abigail Swanne, Esq.
From: Terrence Wall, Esq.
To: Magdalena Louise Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mrs. Johnson:
Against my professional judgment, my client has asked me to relay the following message: “Tell her she looked real nice at the last meeting. And tell her that even if she swallowed my baby like one of those huge rattlesnakes, I miss her with all of my heart and hope she <redacted> it out soon so we can be a family again.”
Sincerely,
Terrence Wall, Esq.
From: Abigail Swanne, Esq.
To: Walter Thyrus Johnson
Re: Divorce proceedings
Dear Mr. Johnson:
After twenty-nine years in the legal profession, I believed that I had seen it all. Every type of marriage, every type of divorce, every possible outcome – I had seen it transpire.
I was wrong.
To that end, may I offer my heartiest congratulations on your marital reconciliation with Mrs. Johnson, as well as on the upcoming birth of your child. As in our meeting, I assure you that she is in literally no danger from vomiting the child out; the human body is a miracle indeed.
Your love story shows there is hope for us all.
Sincerely,
Abigail Swanne, Esq.
***
Melissa H-K is an improviser, director, and teacher living in San Francisco. She is currently part of the artistic directing staff at the Un-Scripted Theater Company, and formerly appeared at ImprovBoston and the Upright Citizens Brigade (NYC). She is quite happy to be putting her liberal arts degree to good use writing for Out of Stock.