Dale Goes Crazy
by Jeff Hernandez
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/coolfonk

Day 56 bleeds into day 57 as I lay on the couch, the blue light of the television washing over me as I try to fall asleep to some nature series I found on Netflix.

This one is about whales. I’m terrified of whales. I know whales are a silly thing to be terrified of. I don’t live in the middle of the ocean. I live nowhere near the ocean. There is no way I will ever see a live whale. No way ever, and yet, I am terrified of whales.

The next thing I know I’m in bed and she’s with me. “Why did you leave?” I ask. “Does this mean you’re back? Is this for real?” I ask. She doesn’t answer. She says nothing. Why isn’t she answering? Why is she so quiet?

It’s all a dream. I wake up, still on the couch. The room is silent. Netflix is asking me if I’m still watching my show.

“You look like shit.”

It’s the next morning. I’m at work after a good three hours of sleeping on the couch. I’m sitting in the break room, drinking all the coffee I can, wondering how I got here. Sunny is blunt, but she means well.

“Hmmm?”

“Did you sleep last night?”

“Yeah. Not well, but, I got some sleep.”

“Well, you better be on your A game today. We’re halfway through the month, and you’re at the bottom of the sales charts.”

I hate my job. I sell cars. I’m not good at it. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like sweet talking customers. I don’t like knowing things about tire suspension; but I got this job years ago, and I used to be good at it, and it used to pay really well, and now I’m just kind of stuck here.

Later.

“I’m just not sure. I think I’m just going to keep looking.”

“Are you sure? Because this car is really good. It’s got a spare tire, not that it needs one but…”

I watch her and her friend walk away. I catch a hint of her perfume. It smelled nice. She reminds me a little of Kate. Around the eyes especially.  Last week I asked Kate if she wanted to get together for dinner, and talk about us. She said no. She had plans. I asked if she was seeing someone else. She said no. She was just meeting friends. Friends from work. Then she didn’t say anything. I told her I was thinking about growing a beard. “Oh nice.” She said. “You’ll look more manly.”

“Dale. Please report to service.” The speaker says. I start to walk to the service office. Mike runs past me. I hate him. I hate his gelled hair, and his heavy scent of cologne. I hate his hemp bracelet. I hate that he’s our best salesman.

Billy. Boss Billy. He stands next to me, his arm around me.

“Billy, I think…” I say trying to escape.

“Shhh. Just watch.”

We’re watching Mike. He’s in his cubicle, sitting across a desk from the woman and her friend who told me she wanted to keep looking.

I can barely hear Mike, but I hear him, and his stupid confidence.

“I can feel you’re hesitating. That’s smart. It’s good that you think these kinds of things through. That means you’re smart, and you know what that means? Smart people are confident people. And you know what I saw out there? Out there on the road? When you had the top down? The wind blowing through your hair, the music blasting out of those speakers, the sun reflecting off your sunglasses as you sped down the road? Confidence. A smart confident woman. I can see that you’re wondering if this is the car for you. I can tell you, my opinion, sitting in the passenger seat. It is. It totally is. But listen, if you’re not sure, you can return the car within the first week. No harm. No foul. But I know you’re not going to. I know you’re going to drive home. Then you and your lovely friend here are going to take the car for a joy ride, you’re going to hit a bar, you’re going to have a few drinks, you’re going to laugh and have fun, and you’re going to fall in love with this car.”

Disgusting. He’s so disgusting. Do people really fall for that? I mean, he’s obviously being a…

“Mike is brilliant. He’s got the best sales numbers on staff, by far. You used to be him. Remember?”

“Billy, I…”

“Dale. I like you. You’ve been here a long time, but your numbers suck. I’m sorry Katherine left you.”

“We’re working on things.”

“Whatever. I want you to succeed here, Dale. I do. But I’m nearing the end of my rope. Turn it around. Do what you have to do. Get it together. I don’t want to have to let you…”

There’s a knock at the door. We both turn to see Mike. With Billy’s brutal honesty we’d both lost track of Mike. He’s smiling as he has his arm wrapped around the woman whose eyes remind me of Kate’s.

“Hey Billy. I’m going to process this lovely woman’s paper work, and then I’m taking off for the day. I promised her a celebratory margarita. Oh, hey Dale. Didn’t see you there. Nice tie.”

They run off. I hate Mike.

“Billy had a talk with you didn’t he?”

“Yes. Hey Sunny… is this a good tie?”

“No.” Sandy opens her locker, pulls out her purse, digs through it, and pulls out a box of CDs and throws the box on the table in front of me. “Here.”

“What’s this? The Animal You?”

“It’s a dumb self-help audio book. Most of it is dumb, but some of it is not so bad. I was nervous when I first started here. This book kind of helped me find some confidence.”

“It’s not confidence…”

“Just try it Dale. I can’t hurt.”

“Wait… You really don’t like this tie?”

Sunny pats me on the shoulder and walks out.

I check my phone again. No missed calls. No text messages.

“I’m going to bed. Goodnight!” I type out on my phone. My heart is racing. This was supposed to be a temporary thing. It’s not. I add a smiley face and send the message and wait.

I lay down on the couch. How much time has passed? There’s an infomercial for workout videos. Clearly it’s three in the morning if this is on the television.

“So, we did it,” I say, sitting in bed, waiting for her as she washes her face, “We moved in together. My stuff is unpacked, your stuff is unpacked, we have graduated beyond having a drawer at one another’s place, now they are all our drawers together.”

Kate walks over to where I’m sitting on the bed, and climbs in, forcing me over to the other side.

“I want this side of the bed.” She says. “I sleep better when you’re on my left side.” she says as she fluffs her pillows and then places herself squarely in the nook of my arm.

“This feels perfect.” She says.

I wake up. It’s five in the morning and my arms are dangling off the couch.

Another day passes. Then Another. It’s the weekend. My friends take me out. Get me drunk. Send me home alone. I lay on the couch. Another night, more falling asleep to the television. Another infomercial. The room is spinning. I haven’t heard from Kate in a couple of days.

“Are you feeling beat down? No energy? Try Animax! The only all natural supplement with synthetic animal testosterone. Be an animal!” The television says. “Dale. Are you tired of being shit upon?” The television continues. “Dale, you need this. Call the number. Dale, call the number. Dale, You know Mike is killing you at work. You used to be the golden boy. Now that little pencil of a man Mike is? How are you going to let that happen? What’s wrong with you? Kate was right about you. You aren’t half the man she thought you were. That’s why she left you. That’s why she’s sleeping with that guy she works with now. Call this number Dale. I’ll make it go away. I’ll make you feel better about yourself. I’ll take care of you.”

The room spins. I feel like throwing up. I fall asleep.

More days pass. Kate texts me, saying she was thinking about me. I sell one car. I come home feeling like I accomplished something. There is a box at my front door.

Inside the box there are multiple bottles of pills.

“Dammit.” I didn’t fall asleep that night. I spent $213.45 on supplements. I might as well take them. I paid for them.

The next day the man that bought the car from me returned it.

Sunny asks if I listened to the book yet.

That night I call Kate. She says she was thinking about me earlier. I tell her to come over. She says she doesn’t think that’s a good idea.

I take my supplement. Three times a day. I lay on the couch. More infomercials. I turn off the tv and grab my laptop. I surf the web. I grab the first CD from the book “The Animal You” and put it in. The book starts, and I lay back and close my eyes.

“We live in a society that has social rules. But in the wild, only the strong survive. I’m going to teach you to unleash your strong animal instinct. Forget your domesticated social norms. Unleash the beast.”

This is dumb. I fall asleep.

I wake up late the next morning. I can’t believe I fell into such a deep sleep. I rush around my apartment getting dressed. I look in the mirror. I should shave but no time. Was thinking of growing a beard anyway. Where’s my tie? Forget the tie. It’s an ugly tie.

“Dale. Dale? Dale!” Billy yells at me while I sit in the break room.

“Oh Hey Billy.”

“Dale… did you forget to shave or are you trying to grow a beard?”

“Thinking about it.”

“Listen, I don’t want to have this talk again. Mike has sold five cars since we last talked. You sold one, and it got returned. Now I don’t…”

“Don’t worry about it Billy.” I pat Billy on the shoulder and walk past him. I pick up a muffin from a box of muffins left out on the table. I take one bite and throw the rest of the muffin away.  Mike walks past me. Billy looks at me as I walk away. I’m at the end of my rope with Billy.

“Hey Billy, I feel like if you want to go ahead and give me that bonus…” Mike walks into the break room.

“Month’s not over yet!” Billy laughs.

“Dale. Forget to shave?” Mike asks me.

I ignore Mike.

I sell two cars that day, both with the gap insurance, no less.

I go home and have a few drinks. I take my pills. My beard is really coming in. Kate calls me. I want to pick up, but I don’t. I really just want to listen to those damn CDs and get a good night’s sleep.

“Imagine you’re in the jungle…” it says. “You are alone, and the sounds of the jungle surround you.

Normally, in your human state, these sounds would frighten you. But you are not a human. You are something else. You live off of instinct. The rush of the unknown emboldens you…”

I fall asleep on the couch.

I wake up early the next morning. Refreshed.

My beard is really coming in thick. I feel stronger for some reason. I dig in the back of my closet for my nice shirts. The shirts I haven’t worn in months.

“Two cars yesterday, Dale! That’s what I’m talking about! You just gotta keep up this swing!” Billy says as I walk through the doors. I glance his way, and walk past him.

“Have you listened to the book?” Sunny asks.

“I have. I don’t know, it’s kinda dumb, no offense… but I started listening to it the other night and I fell right asleep.”

“That good huh.”

“Here’s what’s weird. I feel different. Better. I don’t know, maybe I’m picking up something subconsciously.”

Mike walks through the break room door.

“Nice sales yesterday Dale. Looking sharp too! That tie must have been the problem. Growing out the beard I see. You’re really trying to turn things around… but listen, you’ve got a long way to go if you want to catch up to…”

“Mike.” I say as I walk past him. I look directly into his eyes, and I swear I can see fear.

I never really paid much attention to Mike until Kate came by one day and Mike made a comment about how I was out of my league with her. Then she left, and I’ve hated Mike ever since, but I never cared enough about my job to feel the need to compete with Mike in sales. Today is different. Today I’m making it my mission to beat Mike. I’m the first one to talk to people as they walk in the door. I am cool and collected. I am funny and confident. Mike notices. I can see more fear behind Mike’s eyes. I take my pills. I listen to the book. I feel like my arms are hairier than they were last week. Can that be a thing?

A few more days pass. I’m getting better sleep. I’m starting to do push-ups in the morning. The other night I was watching another nature documentary. This one was about how the males in animal packs relate to one another… which is to say this one is about fighting. I watch giraffes swing their heads at one another, I watch monkeys fight for pack dominance, it’s violent and exciting. I keep listening to the book. I’m nearly finished. I can’t believe it’s working. And these pills.

I can’t believe how much hair is everywhere? Are my teeth larger? What the hell is happening to me? Still I have more energy than I’ve had in years. I’ve been working out. I’ve sold four more cars. Mike has hit a dry spell. The last of the month is in two days.

Kate runs into me while I’m shopping for produce at the grocery store. She’s with another man. I want to jump on that man’s back and claw out his eyes. I can hear my heart in my ears. I calm myself and look through them both. Nothing more than a simple nod is exchanged. Kate looks nervous. She looks great, but nervous.

Later she texts me. She says she nearly didn’t recognize me. That I looked great. I don’t respond.

I’m doing push-ups in my apartment. I’m thinking about selling cars. I’m not sure what’s come over me. I take my pills. Is it the pills? What the hell is in these things? Why am I so hairy? I want to rip Michael’s face off. I listen to the book.

“Don’t be timid” it tells me. “You are the alpha. You become the alpha.”  I fall asleep listening to the book.

The next morning I put on a suit and head to work.

“Whoa. Someone is dressed to impress!” Mike says walking up to me. “Listen, Dale, obviously I can see you’ve been doing well lately, but if you’re coming for my sales record then you I’m ready to take you on guy.”

I push Mike down on the floor by the face and scream and stand over him.

Billy and Sunny and a crowd of people gather.

“Dale!” Sunny calls out.

I stand over Mike yelling, “I’m better than you and your stupid hair and your stupid smile!” I grab at his shirt and try to pull it off him.

Billy grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me away from Mike.

“Dale, what’s wrong with you?” He asks.

I turn and look Billy in the face and see real terror.

“Dale…” Billy starts, but I pull away and run into the bathroom.

I splash water on my face. My heart is racing.

“Dale? Listen you gotta come out of there. What’s wrong with you? Don’t make me call the cops, Dale.” I can hear Billy calling out from the other side of the door.

I hear other noises, people muttering to themselves. I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognize myself any longer. I have so much hair. I’m wearing this suit. I look like an animal. The alpha male. I look like a savage… animal? I love the rush. The rush of adrenaline. I can’t really hear what they’re saying outside the door any longer… just noises. I’m an animal in the jungle.

“I will kick your ass Dale! Get the hell out of there!” I hear Mike.

I look at myself in the mirror. I am an animal. I am the alpha.

I stand up straight. I fix my hair. I fix my tie. I smile. My teeth are large. I hate Mike. I am the alpha around here.

I unlock the door, and charge out.

End.

***

Jeff Hernandez lives in Dallas. He is a member of Audacity Theatre Lab. You can follow his funny tweets @thejefftweet. I, David Mogolov, personally guarantee that his tweets will change your life. Jeff wrote this bio, except for this sentence.