by Alyssa Cowan
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/SergeyNivens
[Funeral Transcript File]
We’re here to mourn the loss of Wordsman. He was a man of many words, a literal dick ton of words. It was an incredible loss to not only the Words community, whom I hear prefer to be referred to as “linguists” now, but also to the superhero community.
Wordsman was a great man, and though he was not a popular superhero among the kids, he proved to be a useful ally.
He was close to many superheroes, and I would like to read some of the comments that his friends said about him. Here are a few words about him. No pun intended.
Superman: “I remember when Wordsman helped us figure out that double entendre in Lex Luthor’s note. We had no idea Luthor was trying to hurt us. He definitely saved us 15 minutes of rereading the note in confusion.”
Ironman: “Wordsman instantly recited 20 synonyms for gun, and it really helped me avoid sounding trite when addressing a bad guy. As for his hand to hand combat, I would say he’s lacking.”
Riddler: “No comment.”
Joker: “What a Know-it-all.”
If anyone would like to come up and share any thoughts about Wordsman, they’re welcome to do so. If not, we’ll open the floor for everyone to pay their respects. Alphabet soup, light refreshments and cake will be served in the foyer.
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The Gotham Inquisitor-Monitor Online
“Gotham Native Bartholomeu Wordsman Dead”
Noted superhero and linguist Bartholomeu Wordsman passed away at the age of 36. Wordsman was considered one of the most reliable and mildly helpful heroes in Gotham. His colleagues often described him as “knowledgeable,” and “available for the mission, I guess.”
His life abruptly came to a close when Batman, uncharacteristically and accidentally sent him to his death on a covert mission. In a press conference suspiciously located at Wayne Manor, the caped crusader said the following to an audience of press and civilians:
“I told him that if he said one more word and blew our cover, I would drop him upside down into the river. Well, he didn’t shut up. He just told me he had a list of forty-five descriptors for ‘river’ that he wanted to share with me. I dropped him in and continued the mission. When I didn’t hear from him, I assumed he finally got his [redacted] together and finally decided to be covert.
“I had no idea that he couldn’t swim. Especially since on the car ride to the mission, he told me one-hundred and fifty three of the best adjectives to use to describe how someone swims. I’m still definitely against murder–I really don’t think this counts.
“No further questions.”
Wordman’s family asks that you respect their privacy in this time of grief, and they asked that mourners leave different words for flowers at his memorial in lieu of begonias.
Comments from the readers:
WilliamFirsman: First!
Bob: I remember when Wordsman was my teacher in college. It was hard to get a word in edgewise. It seemed like he knew everything, and wanted to do everything. It’s kind of interesting at first, but after a while it got really weird when your own professor wanted to do everyone’s homework. We liked it, but then he took all our college grades, and we thought “this is going too far.”
Other than that, he was a great dude, and we all respected him. RIP Wordy!
Jenna: He was a great husband. *Sad Cat Emoji*
Annie Wordsman: Who is this lady posting about my husband? How would she know?
Jenna: Woops
Camila: Did you know that you could get way more visitors to your website with SEO?! My name is Camila, and I’m an SEO manager! Email me at camila@bestbestseotothemax.com. RIP Wordsman
Annie Wordsman: Thank you for the kinds words about my husband.
LimpBizketRocks45: Shutup, dickfart! This article sucks.
Batman: You wanna fight?
LimpBizketRocks45: No, sorry.
Batman: I’m right behind you
Annie Wordsman: Haven’t you done enough to our family? Leave my son alone.
Jonathan: I’m so tired of these feminists trying to take over the internet! Get your heads out of your butts and let a man have words!
TruthTeller56: Wordsman was an inside job! This is a hoax!
Wordsman: Oh, is it?
***
Alyssa Cowan is a comedian in Washington, DC. She’s a real life cartoon character, a super chill bro, and the host of a pro wrestling fanfiction podcast called Hurricanrana Season. You can find her at alyssapants.com, and @alyssapants on twitter.