Photo: © Depositphotos.com/sanadesign
Written by Eric Frieden

 

To the various section heads of V.I.C.E. (Villainous Initiative for Chaos and Evil),

Good afternoon and, of course, all glory to Vicelord One.

Well, it’s certainly been quite a few interesting weeks since you kidnapped me from my midtown Manhattan apartment and brought me to your island headquarters to work as a branding consultant for you. Some of my colleagues in the industry might despair at being taken prisoner by a nefarious shadow organization bent on global domination or resist the demands being placed upon me to give V.I.C.E. the recognition it deserves in the marketplace of organized evil. I, however, took it as a challenge. After all, I was part of the team that helped turn around Arby’s, how much harder could it be to do the same for a sinister collective of criminals, warlords, and unhinged scientists plotting the downfall of the world?

I would like to take a moment to thank our awe-and-fear-inspiring leader, Vicelord One, for letting me observe the various sections of your organization these past couple of weeks to get a sense of how things work around here on V.I.C.E. Island. It certainly has been interesting and informative and I am grateful to each and every one of you for letting me (and the armed guards that follow me everywhere around the Complex to keep me from escaping) observe you work. Sometimes when a company brings in a consultant to observe, it makes department heads uneasy and they can be rather unfriendly and unhelpful, seeing the consultant as some kind of outside interloper. But I saw nothing like that here. You’ve all been so welcoming and I learned so much from all of you, from how Maintenance gets so much blood off of so many uniforms on a daily basis, to the proper way to lower an enemy agent into a pit of sharks in Interrogation and Torture. After a few days, it began to feel like it wasn’t the bomb implanted in the base of my neck that can be detonated by remote control by Vicelord One, should I become hostile or noncompliant motivating me, but rather all of you making me feel like I belonged here, like I was one of the VI.C.E. Family.

But enough about me! Let’s talk about V.I.C.E. and its future! I know no one likes to be the bearer of bad news here at the Complex, mainly because it seems like whoever does ends up as dinner for Vicelord One’s prized pet Siberian tigers. However, you forcibly recruited me to be blunt with you about where this nefarious organization bent on reshaping the world in its own twisted image is headed, and that is what I intend to do. So, at the risk of being brain-bombed, let me say this: V.I.C.E. has a name recognition problem. Mention the name of one of your rival evil cabals, such as R.A.P.T.O.R. or D.O.O.O.O.O.M. and people on the street instantly know what you’re talking about; mention V.I.C.E., and people think of a hipster news network. And if I may be frank, V.I.C.E. is too good an evil organization, to be confused for a bunch of overly pierced and tattooed “extreme” reporters.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and Sentient Robots of V.I.C.E., I ask you this: are you ready to take this organization bent on undermining global geopolitical order and make it the best organization bent on undermining global geopolitical order it can possibly be? I know I am!

The solution to this recognition problem is simple: we need to get the organization out there in the public eye, make it part of the zeitgeist. We need a major branding campaign across multiple media platforms all focused on raising brand awareness of V.I.C.E. and I cannot think of a better opportunity for this than Project Vulcan, i.e. V.I.C.E.’s plot to take over the world by threatening to halt the rotation of the Earth. What I propose is that, rather than springing Project Vulcan upon an unsuspecting public, we instead implement a marketing blitz leading up to the world-conquering event.

The first suggestion I have is that we have to change the project name. I know that Vulcan is the god of volcanoes in Roman mythology and lived deep in the earth, and we are somehow using volcanoes’ connection to the magma core of the Earth in stopping its rotation (Professor Vile, as Head of Research and Development, tried to explain the science of it to me, but most of it went over my head – there’s a reason I majored in communications folks!); I know that a good classical allusion can add a sense of grandeur and pomp to a diabolical plan to take over the world, but when most people hear “Project Vulcan” they will think only of pointy ears, Leonard Nimoy, and Star Trek.

When you’re trying to get your message out there to the public, you need to be as clear and direct as possible, which is why I am suggesting we change the name of V.I.C.E.’s attempt at global coup from Project Vulcan to Project Earthtrap!. I am also having a logo worked up for Project Earthtrap! that will be featured heavily in the campaign. Bold, easily recognizable imagery is essential to building brand recognition. Currently, we are thinking about something like a picture of a globe stuck in a bear trap (a clear, simple message saying, “We are here to trap the Earth!”) but I am open to other suggestions.

Here are a few points of my proposed rollout of Project Earthtrap!:

• Promotional hats, drink cozies, key chains all featuring the phrase, “Earthtrap! is coming” will be distributed at any raids V.I.C.E. conducts to obtain the necessary components and kidnapped scientists needed for completing the Gaia Device that will halt the rotation of the earth. This will help to generate buzz and get the Earthtrap! brand out there into the public eye.
• Additionally I propose that one member of each V.I.C.E. Elite Assault Squad not be given the standard Obliteration Laser Rifle they normally take on these raids, but rather a T-shirt cannon firing Project Earthtrap! shirts (and before you ask, Weapons and Armaments ran some tests and it turns out that a t-shirt fired into a target at high speeds using compressed air is just as, if not more, effective than the laser rifles.)
• As stated above, all V.I.C.E. uniforms will feature the Earthtrap! logo, but additionally will feature a hashtag, something like “#GetEarthTrapped”. This will also help to generate buzz and create a sense of anticipation around the project. Additionally, V.I.C.E. needs to make sure to include the hashtag on its Instagram and Twitter accounts. Also, I have created Instagram and Twitter accounts for the organization and I think I can use some of my connections in entertainment to get at least one Kardashian to follow us.
• Memes! People love memes. It triggers recognition patterns in the brain that makes people feel like they are savvy and in the know for understanding the reference. Picture Kermit the Frog sipping tea saying “I could tell you about Project Earthtrap! and how it will destabilize global society unless we all bow down before the might of Vicelord One and his dreaded army of dedicated minions of both the cyborg and non-cyborg variety, but that’s none of my business.” Or possibly something like those Andre the Giant tags featuring an image of Vicelord One and replacing the word “Obey” with “Earthtrap!”
• I know someone at Monster Energy Drinks and I may be able to hook us up with a promotional tie-in. I’m picturing the slogan, “Unleash the Beast and Trap the Earth with Monster Energy and V.I.C.E.” but this can be workshopped.
• Media appearances. We need to get out there on the talk shows, the morning shows, maybe even primetime news, teasing out Project Earthtrap!. I can definitely get Vicelord One booked on James Corden, although he will have to do Carpool Karaoke with James at some point during the show.

It’s steps like these that will give Project Earthtrap! and V.I.C.E. a presence in the various media markets and get the public familiar with their new overlords in a fun and quirky manner!

Now while it’s true that I have had only a few weeks of experience being a cog in the grand designs of V.I.C.E. and Vicelord One, I understand that in clandestine organized villainy, secrecy is important when engaging in major projects (especially if one wants to avoid interference from the forces of peace and order in the world such as the CIA, MI6, or V.I.R.T.U.E.), but at the same time I know that in terms of brand management, it is important to get one’s name out there in the public eye.

These two goals may seem at odds with each other, but let me ask you this: when the dreaded image of Vicelord One demanding the Earth bow to his will or face geological chaos is broadcast across all television screens in the world, do you want people to feel a burst of panic-stricken awe the instant they see Vicelord One standing before the Gaia Device, surrounded by the V.I.C.E. Elite and possibly the rapper Pitbull (we’re in talks) on their screens, knowing that the end of the old geopolitical order is nigh and soon time will be demarked in terms of pre- and post-Earthtrap!; or would you rather have them sit there and go “Who the heck is this guy and why is he standing in front of some sort of gigantic volcano drill?”

So, there you have it, my proposal for rolling out Project Earthtrap!, nee Vulcan. I hope it meets your expectations and the expectations of Vicelord One (who I have cc’d on this email – All hail the Vicelord! Submission is survival!) I hope we can move forward and bring Project Earthtrap! to the world in a way that is direct and informative, while also inducing the right amounts of panic and despair to force the world to its knees! I also hope that having completed my task, I will be reunited with my family and not cast into the Shark Pits to suffer a bloody, disemboweling end. All hail V.I.C.E. and let’s all get ready to get #Earthtrapped!

Damian Sharpe,
Owner and CEO, Look Sharpe Consultants,
Totally Voluntary Guest of V.I.C.E.

The above communiqué was retrieved from data servers captured by V.I.R.T.U.E. during their raid on the Project Earthtrap! launch party on V.I.C.E. Island sponsored by Monster Energy. V.I.R.T.U.E. was able to infiltrate the event by posing as winners of Monster’s “Get Earthtrapped on V.I.C.E. Island with Pitbull!” sweepstakes. This undercover operation led to the unraveling of V.I.C.E., resulting in many of the evil organization’s agents being captured or killed and the Complex and V.I.C.E. Island being destroyed via volcanic eruption. Mr. Sharpe was not recovered during the raid and is presumed dead. Pitbull was unharmed.

 

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Eric Frieden is a writer and improviser. He is in no way associated with Monster Energy or Pitbull.