Written by Ken Reid
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/londondeposit
She said it wasn’t me, it was her but I knew that wasn’t true. It was my face. Although I wasn’t an ugly man, there were improvements that could have been made. My eyes were slightly asymmetrical, my nose moved a millimeter to the left due to a childhood bike accident.
She left me two years ago. She moved on since then. Married. I couldn’t get past my face. If I could just make some adjustments, she’d come back.
I followed him. The Husband. I took detailed notes. I took photos. His face was better than mine. I experimented with make up, I looked into cosmetic surgery. Neither worked out. Sadly it left me with one option. I needed to take his face.
As you would imagine, he didn’t understand. He objected. I didn’t want to hurt him, but it came with the territory.
It came off more easily than I thought it would. There was mess, there was screaming, but it fit over my own flaws surprisingly well.
I can’t wait to see her face when she sees how perfect I am now. It will be the greatest gift anyone has ever received. So I here I sit, behind these presents he bought for her for their first Christmas together, waiting, waiting to show her my perfect face, so we can be together again.
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Ken Reid: Comedian. Podcaster. Adult survivor of childhood.
Pre-order his new EP at: http://kenreid.bandcamp.com/
Find his podcast, “TV Guidance Counselor” at: https://itunes.apple.com/us/