Written by Alitzah Oros
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/AntonioGuillemF
Long distance relationships have never been my thing. I was hesitant at first, you know, when Woxox, or as I knew him, sadboy6669, asked me to be his partner. I could never see myself dating somebody in a different state let alone a different planet. We met in an intergalactic chatroom. I like these ones specifically because you’re less often bombarded with X- rated things. Sure, it required surfing the deep web but it was worth it! Some species don’t even have genitalia and they’re mostly just lonely. If I’m lucky, I’ll come across a really advanced civilization who will help me with my homework. The future is innocent like that. Sadboy6669 was always around and I liked that. His days are 21 years long so I could message him at any time and he would always respond. I didn’t want to tell anyone, I didn’t think anyone would understand. My best friend Peggy asked a lot of questions. She didn’t get how it was possible that I could talk to this mystery person at all hours.
“I wish someone liked me as much as sadboy6669 likes you!” she would whimper.
That’s as much as I had told her: his username. You see it’s not safe or legal to interact with the Others. The government is still trying to tell us that they don’t exist. I told Peggy he was some boy from Ohio, said it had something to do with time zone things and global warming.
“It’s the hairspray,” she said, “that Aqua Net stuff. They used so much of it in the 1980’s, we have to live with the repercussions.”
I didn’t say anything.
Two weeks later I was taken hostage. I guess Peggy wasn’t that dumb after all and had actually been working for the government. She had gotten into my files, found out everything about Woxox and our relationship. I was embarrassed more so than anything, to be honest. There were some really bad haikus in there.
They asked me to work with them. Said they only needed one thing.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Some files,” they said.
“What kind of files?”
“Look,” said the very official-looking man in the suit, “you’re gonna do what we tell you to do, you’re going to type what we tell you to type, you’re gonna be nice, and once we get what we’re looking for, we’re all just going to move on with our lives.”
I slumped down in the cold metal chair, “okay.”
We needed public wi-fi to access the deep web. One of the two women sent to assist suggested the quaint little artisanal coffee shop around the corner.
“It needs to be a Starbucks,” the man said, “no one gives a fuck about people in there. It’s a reject pool for those who are in denial about Coffee Bean being the better option.”
I thought I heard him mutter scum under his breath but I wasn’t sure.
So we sat a table outside and I opened my laptop. They instructed me to close everything except the browser, I messaged sadboy6669:
NOODLE420: Hey, you up?
SADBOY6669: Of Course, Where have you been? I miss you, Earth Kween.
NOODLE420: Listen, I wanna ask you for a favor.
SADBOY6669: Anything!
NOODLE420: Nudes?
NOODLE420: Send Nudes?
There was a long pause and then the typing symbol popped up.
SADBOY6669: (1)THE.GOODS.JPG
They pushed me out of the way. They rejoiced.
***
Alitzah Oros is a graphic design student living in Los Angeles. She likes true crime and ramen and can be found slinging books at your favorite corporate bookseller. When she isn’t sitting in traffic, she’s making her life look more aesthetic at @ali.mcfeel and honestly tweeting her sorrows at @s_paghettijesus.