Minutes from the troupe meeting of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West and Congress of Rough Riders of the World, January 15, 1904
by Maitland Lederer
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/nelka7812

President Buffalo Bill Cody called the meeting to order at 5:01PM. Secretary Angry Billy Donovan raised an objection that his watch read only 4:58PM and was two years newer and most decidedly more accurate. The President indicated that the Secretary could go copulate with himself. The minutes from December’s meeting were not approved as the Secretary gave them to the President, who claims not to have received them. Either way, nobody has seen them since Butte.

Treasurer Bill “Sure Shot” Hargrove provided the Treasurer’s report. As of December, our beginning balance was $0.23. The present balance is $0.02. The Treasurer intimated that the difference had gone toward funding the President’s whisky budget, an implication which the President vehemently, and rather unconvincingly, denied. The Treasurer attempted to collect dues, but aside from Calamity Jane Canary, all had spent their pay, and Jane refused to “cover for a bunch of lousy drunks” (which is fairly ironic given Jane’s dubious hygiene and reputation for a tolerance).

The President notified the troupe of a customer complaint. Two nights previous, a local woman complained that the ticket taker, who would have been Jingle Bell Jack Nelson that night, was drunk and had upended the contents of his stomach all over her shoes. For his part, Nelson had no memory of the incident and, in fact, he had no memory of most of the evening. The vote was approved that the claim was entirely without merit.

Annie Oakley informed the troupe that one of William Randolph Hearst’s papers had recently published an article saying she had been arrested in Chicago, which was plainly untrue, as we could all see. The article further stated that Annie had stolen a pair of pants in order to support a cocaine habit, which all agreed seemed plausible enough.

Nick “Quick Knife” Mahoney raised the latrine situation again. He insists that he is the only one to shovel them out when they get full. The Secretary pointed out that, while this is true, it may be on account of the fact that Mahoney is the only one dull-witted enough to empty a full latrine when he could just dig a new one down the way. Mahoney proffered that the Secretary may have a need to acquaint himself with just how quick his knife actually was. The Secretary reminded Mahoney that Calamity Jane had informed the entire troupe of exactly how quick his knife was, and it might behoove him to keep it in his pants if he wished to keep it at all. At this point, Mahoney rose to his feet and suggested that the Senator could go copulate with himself. After much whooping and hollering, the President recalled the meeting to order.

Annie Oakley once again brought up the libel situation, this time suggesting that we might consider the issue resolved if, next time we were in Chicago, we invite Mr. Hearst to a private display of sharpshooting. This idea was roundly approved until it became apparent that Annie would most likely not be shooting the ash off of Mr. Hearst’s cigarette but instead the man himself. The vote was not approved with all but Annie Oakley and Calamity Jane Canary dissenting.

At this point Hot Hanky Harold McGee questioned why the leadership council was made up entirely of people named Bill. George Green interjected to ask why he was the only one without a nickname, aside from the girls. Calamity Jane Canary was quick to voice that Annie’s nickname is actually “Little Sure Shot,” even though she hates it, and, of course, hers is “Calamity,” and besides that they are not girls. Green then said referenced them as ladies in an exaggerated way that one might mistake for sarcasm, were Green not the picture of a gentleman. Jane asserted that they were not ladies neither. After the question was posed by several of the troupe, Jane eventually concluded that she was unsure what they were, but that it definitely was not girls nor ladies. Annie reiterated that none of the troupe were to start calling her “Little Sure Shot” unless they were sure they would prefer a new hole shot through their head.

Thereupon, the President awakened himself by snoring rather loudly and, apparently, unexpectedly. When the Secretary offered to read him the bylaws, particularly the parts pertaining to the responsibilities of the President and the importance of troupe meetings, he was informed that he might kindly go back to his bunk, consume whatever choice of gut-rending alcoholic beverage he might prefer, and make sweet, unfettered, enduring love to himself, all night long, and cook himself breakfast in the morning.

The meeting was adjourned at 6:13PM, according to the President’s watch. According to the more accurate watch, the meeting was adjourned at 6:10PM.

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Maitland Lederer is a game developer and improvisor in Austin, TX. She tweets as @androidqueen.