Photo: © Depositphotos.com/patronestaff
Written by George Newton

Courtney became a woman inside an Italian church. That was one reason why she decided ten years later, she would answer the door naked except for some spaghetti on her head in the shape of Jesus’ crown. Ten years ago, she was wearing baggy pants and having no interest in boys, long after puberty had begun. The one everyone thought was a lesbian, even though being in an all girls school had beaten any appeal of girl on girl action out of her.  She had just gone there for the free meatballs. Until she saw Jesus. Holding up a heavy cross with a look that said, “I could do this all day”.

It wasn’t just the abs. Jesus also understood daddy issues. He knew what it was like dealing with a new dad. Who wanted so much credit for finally showing up. It’s too late now, God, I mean Hugh. You don’t just get to be a dad when it’s convenient to you.

The dreams started the first night. Him walking across water and her waking up in a puddle. (She would want you to know the puddle was from sweat. Mostly.) Sometimes he would just say he forgave her and she would wake up drenched. Passion of the Christ became her Fifty Shades. And no real boy could compete. Especially the ones she chose. The ones that would never come between her and the lord. Austin would be different.

Courtney knew from the first time she saw Austin’s profile that he was special. He had many photos with swords. There was even one where he posed with a tiger. One of his first messages said he was so masculine he was forced to identify as cisgender. He would tell everyone he was very woke, even though he could never wake early enough to get to a protest.  

Austin was a white male, and that had nothing to do with the fact that everyone listened to his ideas. He was wisely told to follow his dreams  and would soon to become the founder of a Chuck E Cheese that allowed vaping. And that was the type of man you needed to keep locked down. No matter what her roomates said. (It was best to call them roommates rather than mom and dad. It was better for everyone.)

Courtney decided that morning that she would  answer the door naked except for the spaghetti crown. An image that was both sensual and serious.  She needed to be the ultimate quirky cool chick to keep her man. As an added bonus, she could also smear sauce on her face to seem vaguely ethnic.

Courtney adjusted her pasta crown next to velvet picture of the the real JC. The recipe she was using took a few hours, so she sent Austin to the store for tampons and refused to answer his texts. She screamed only once. When a strand of pasta touched her arm. She thought some of the gluten would be absorbed into her body and cause her to gain weight. Austin also screamed because of troubles with his task.  He began asking his phone to search for what to stick in my wife’s vagina, but that sent him to a bunch of websites that were diverting but not helpful.

Courtney wasn’t expecting ten pounds of feminine hygiene products to greet her at the door. But Austin’s reaction was even more surprising. He screamed out “Chef Boyardee and boobs!!” like a child on Christmas morning. She knew from his beautiful words, they would live happily ever after. Just like Jesus.

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George Newton often wonders What Would Jesus Do if he heard this story.  George’s work has also appeared at WICF Daily and he has appeared at Improv Boston and The Riot Theatre while Jesus has appeared in many baked goods available on eBay.