Written by Tim Lillis
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/Syda_Productions

 

Spinny The Kid’s Yelp Page

Handyman, Stirrers

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Cynthia DuBoussy
Columbus, OH

So I had hired Spinny the Kid (he’s actually a grown man, minus one star for false advertising) to come up to our summer place and stir drinks for our annual vow renewal ceremony reception Tom Collins bar. We had so many drinks that needed stirring, and I figured with his dual drills and their stirring attachments, Spinny would be up to the task. Well he only brought ONE extension cord, so he was only stirring at half capacity. Needless to say the event was a disaster.

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Charlene F.
Akron, OH

• No chaps — minus two stars
• Humble — plus one star
• Mismatched spurs — plus two stars (I LOVE spontaneity)
• When I got up in the morning, my boyfriend was already out of bed. I thought that was strange since he loves to sleep in, but I figured whatever, it’s the weekend, we worked hard all week for someone else, you gotta make the most of your free time LOL! I was hoping that we’d get a chance to be intimate in the morning, but he was off playing golf with the guys already, so I didn’t see him until late afternoon. I spent the day catching up on my huge stack of People magazine and sipping on diet Squirt and Campari. Hubby got back around 4 but he had a bad day golfing so we had a quiet night. I was going to set up the electric grill outside to cook up something for dinner but I couldn’t find the extension cord so we ordered some stuffed crust and called it a night — minus 3 stars
• No star-shaped sheriff’s badge — minus one star
• He was honest about not being a sheriff (they have to to tell you if ask) — no change in star level
• I’d hire him again

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Lawrence G.
Delphos, OH

I run a small independent chemistry lab, which always takes people by surprise.University affiliation is just not worth it. Sure, you become instantly rich and famous, but those plastic people in their ivory towers have no souls. So we operate on the periphery, and we hire who we want, when we want. When we needed to hire some folks to ramp up for the big holiday rush, I thought, let’s give Spinny a whirl, I bet he can come in and mix some solutions for us with his power tools. BOY WAS MY THEORY INCORRECT. Spinny had zero respect for the scientific method. He didn’t have even basic 3-axis microaccellerometers for his stirring modules, and seemed to have only a passing knowledge of computational nano-fluid dynamics. To be honest I thought the drills in his photo were a metaphor for his manual stirring precision, dexterity, and master’s degree in Continuum Mechanics. He kept on saying that he had more extension cords in his bag, as if that would somehow piece back together all the shattered Erlenmeyers.

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Helen P.
Cleveland, OH

I had a big deadline coming up at the screen printing shop that I manage. I had lots of custom colors that I needed mixed, so Spinny seemed like the right guy for the job. He showed up, and I have to say I thought the holsters were a bit much, but he mounted those stirring bits in his drills and it was like a rainbow of efficiency, and at the end of the rainbow were pots of colored ink in the Pantone colors that my clients had spec’d. With the drills going and the muffled voice I couldn’t hear a word he said, but he got the job done and he wasn’t very violent.

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Inner Chi A.
What’s a place, anyway

Stars seem like an odd rating system. As far as we earthlings are considered, there are an infinite number of stars in the universe, so what’s the difference between 2 and 5 stars, really?

Yelp could make this system much more meaningful and straightforward if we just used the 8 planets in our solar system, and then weighted their value according to their relative sizes, taking into account the density of their composition, their rates of orbit, and their distances from the sun.

#comeonyelp

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Martin R.
Canton, Ohio

At first I thought Spinny’s schtick was kind of charming, and then he sneezed and I realized he has no face, just a sinewy network connecting membranes and loose teeth. I said “God bless you,” but as I said it I was really thinking, “God bless us all.”

 

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Tim Lillis is an art director + image maker with comedic tendencies. He lives in San Francisco and is hauling ass on Primer Stories with @joealterio. You can twitter at him at @tim_narwhal and see some of his work at narwhalcreative.com.