by David Mogolov
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/tankist276

March 17th, 2015

Dear CrossFit:

With reluctance, I have decided to close my CrossFit gym. Although I still believe in the mission of CrossFit and remain convinced that my location is financially viable, it has become clear to me, my members, and local authorities that I will not be at liberty to operate the business for the foreseeable future.

I am writing primarily with regard to the 30-day cancellation clause in our license agreement. As my gym has only been in operation for eight days, it is my hope that you will refund my license fee (preferably quickly, as my legal defense fund is in dire shape). According to the agreement, you require “written explanation for the cancellation of licensing, and a detailed account of how the CrossFit name and brand have already been used by the licensee.” This letter is my attempt to provide that.

At the outset, I ask that you take my word on how events unfolded, rather than relying on media accounts. The headlines, as always, are more sensational than the underlying story. I believe the Post’s two stories were especially unfair. “Axe to Grind: Crossfit Nut Goes Nuts” and “Fitness Crazed: Six Pack Jack Axes Pack That Slacks” are colorful ways of selling papers, but hardly explain what actually occurred on March 14th.

(Just for starters, the media has failed to mention one key fact: I am not responsible for the appearance of an axe on the gym floor. Four of my athletes in the 2:30 class are firefighters. The axe belonged to the town’s fire department, and arrived in the gym bag of a firefighter/athlete who had come directly from his shift at the firehouse. I do not know if it is typical for a firefighter to take his work home.)

((The only other axe on the premises was secure in the trunk of my car for the first 40 minutes of class, and would have remained so under ordinary circumstances.))

(((My lawyers have advised me not to go into much more detail about the incident itself. I’m sure you understand.)))

((((I don’t know if this is a proper writing convention, adding layers of parentheses, but when writing for business purposes, I think we can all agree that clarity should come first.))))

So, to the specifics. My “written explanation for the cancellation of licensing”: It is my belief that despite the time-honored adage that there’s no such thing as bad press, the press related to my business endeavor has fatally compromised my ability to recruit athletes for training. This has been quite bad press. Yesterday I had a visitor here, and it was a pastor I hadn’t met. Expecting spiritual counsel, I was surprised that he instead assaulted me and called me a “corrupting and malign influence on the community.” (He’s now in the neighboring cell.) ((He broke my jaw!)) (((I didn’t give much thought to the Lord prior to this event, but being assaulted by a holy man does make one question one’s religious convictions, such as they are.))) ((((I’m told prison conversions are quite common, and given the sometimes spiritual nature of a fitness awakening, I encourage you to see about franchise opportunities within the penal system.)))) Anyhow, I bring this incident up not for pity, but just to make clear the dire nature of the public perception of my business.

In such a hostile environment, even a brand as positively-regarded as CrossFit couldn’t possibly bring in new athletes. I toyed with a “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!” campaign, but was advised by my lawyers that public joviality would be mistaken for evidence of psychosis. With no possible benefit remaining from maintaining the brand in this instance, cancellation of the license is the best option.

As to the other item, “how the CrossFit name and brand have already been used by the licensee,” that’s complicated. Let’s start with the easy examples:

• signage on my business said “Tri-County CrossFit” beside the CrossFit logo
• on each of the gym’s four primary walls, “Tri-County Crossfit” was stenciled and filled in with (admittedly off-brand) flame pattern
• the same name and logo were printed on business cards, flyers, bench ads, bus ads, lavatory ads, shopping carriage baby-seat ad inserts, the Penny Saver, local movie theater (AMC 20 and Regal 12) pre-show advertising, and postcards paired with takeout menus for two vegetarian restaurants and a kebab place (I was considering also advertising at a local fro-yo shop, but that trend is over.) ((Also, froyo really isn’t so nutritious and it might not be a good brand association.)) (((We all remember that Seinfeld episode, right?))) ((((I know this is unusual, but WORK THROUGH THE PARENTHESES. PUSH.))))
• the name and logo were shaved into the fur of a labrador retriever (Sparky, age 10)
• name and logo were used on the hood of a sponsored competitor in the Tri-County Funny Car Derby
• name and logo were frosted onto cakes delivered to each high school football coach in the area
• logo was carved into a tree in Jackson Park while intoxicated—later attempts to find the tree were unsuccessful
• radio advertising in the Tri-County area referenced the name of the business and referenced key elements of the CrossFit philosophy
• The logo and name were printed on the band of 500 custom-made steampunk-inspired safety goggles I ordered as a promotional piece. I don’t recall the logic behind this decision, as I kind of hate steampunk. Nevertheless, they were a conversation piece.

Then it gets tricky: Local, national, and apparently international(!) interest has led to broadcast and replication of the Crossfit name and brand in many unintended ways. I believe I am not responsible for those instances. I would not consider these to have been “used by the licensee” so much as “used incidentally in the defamation of the licensee.”

In particular, the image of one of my gym’s stencil-bearing interior walls, spattered with arcs of blood, has been widely seen, most prominently during network news coverage of President Obama’s address to the nation later the night of the incident. I found the split-screen distasteful and disrespectful to the office of the President.

I absolutely understand that it is in your business interest to distance your organization from me, or even to demonize me, but I ask you to look into your heart and see that I’m just like you. Like me, you believe that the point of athletic training is to prepare a body for maximum success in the real world. To prepare firefighters for peak performance, to smash their way through burning buildings, it would be a disservice not to bring their axes into the workout.

(My lawyers have counseled me to not continue that line of thought.)

((But I’m right, right? Our commitment to our athletes trumps our commitment to ourselves, does it not? We lead and motivate by being the strongest and the fastest and the most ceaseless badass athlete in that room, do we not?))

(((So what if you have no staff and you’ve been at it for 10 consecutive workouts a day for 7 days? Your athletes deserve your commitment. And you demand it of yourself.)))

((((The least they could do is try to keep up. You understand the rage that can come over you at times. The rage and the hunger.))))

Anyhow, no point in going down that road again!

So, regarding the refund, you can send a check directly to my lead counsel, whose card I’ve attached, or you can send it to me care of the Tri-County Correctional Office. I’m told I’ll be moved to another facility for my own safety soon (the prison gangs here really don’t like me!), but I’d bet you a donut the Correctional Office will know where to find me.

Best wishes! Stay strong and endure,

Jack

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David Mogolov put this site together. He’s a writer, comedian, and monologist who tweets at @davidmogolov. Get in touch if you want more Out of Stock.